2016 | Cecil Arjun

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11 October 2016

Last Warm-up of Quarter (October 2016)

October 11, 2016 Cecil Arjun

Q: Who do you admire most and why?
A: Admiration like idolatry is something I do not endorse. However, admiration like awe or inspiration or aspiration to be like (personality not circumstance) is something I have for many: all of those dealing with war/environment or severe communal problems, those with mental or physical illnesses, those who have finished/produced creative works, those who donate their resources to benefit others in need and those who have made something of their lives.
I belong in none of these groups and should in order to maximize my worth.

I fail to properly distinguish idolatry from wanting to be someone else. Latter sounds like envy.
Vague and confusing phrasing recurs: "severe communal problems", "confusing family histories", "external situations".
I have shown possible symptoms of mild mental illness in many of these old writings, and all of this admiration is directed outwards in order to undermine myself.
I am certainly referring to mental and physical disabilities. Those who are chronically or acutely ill rarely wish to be idolized for that alone; rather, their accomplishments are what make them worthy of our interest.

Not all creative works are admirable, but work ethic and creative drive are.

By this point, I had donated my hair twice in my attempts to feel purposeful, but I see why that might not count. While I do have other plans for tissue donation, those are also somewhat self-serving.

You could maximize your worth by taking care of yourself.

My message is to opt in to organ donation, and organ donation should be opt-out anyway.

Furthermore, if you worry about being worthy, honoring yourself like any other friend will make you into someone worthy, as treating yourself better makes you better.

Thursday/Friday: I was bored and was not aware that there was no warm-up.

Spring reminds me that others are happy while I am not; fall reminds me that others suffer and [that] I should be grateful/productive/helpful.
My life is fast series of equinoxes. Summer is pure activity and winter is pure inactivity. I hope that one day life will be all seasons in one day. "one day" is unnecessarily repeated.

While this metaphor is decently executed, I must note that summers (and holidays in general) tend to be boring and less active, but that is because my time is poorly managed and I get bored easily.
Interestingly enough, my favorite seasons are equinoxes, as I dislike uncomfortable extremes. My centrism knows no bounds.

Outdated Writing

10 August 2016

Inferiority (meant to be video)

August 10, 2016 Cecil Arjun

Right before my test, I told my friend about how I went to orientation right after swimming.
His response: "in a swimsuit?" My reply: Well, it was shirt and shorts so it's not like I was all, "Hello, I am a topless dude." [...] My father constantly asks for information he rarely listens to.

~~~~~~~~~~

I took my Geometry and Algebra tests over this week (so I could take my assigned math credits this year); I should be nervous but I rarely get anxious for tests beforehand, especially not math tests. During test taking is when I get most nervous (especially when I saw 200 question spaces, but I realized that there were only 40-50).
This is due to my feeling of inferiority in everything, from math to music to writing but not so much videos because they don't matter that much to me anymore.

Math: MIT Primes/AoPS -- While going into high school, but my mathematical background is not extremely advanced; I do not understand most of this math but I still signed up for mailing list. At least I am not in trig discussion saying, "What is theta?" (I actually did this once <facepalm>)

Music: I get this often because I listen to music most of time when I am not watching YouTube videos. On Quora, I saw question asking for female musician recommendations and (among others) saw Gabriela Montero; I felt slightly upset at my lack of trying to achieve better piano skills but I forgot about it because I am not very consistent at anything, especially keyboard practicing. Yesterday I was looking up songs for my project and I was so mad at myself for not being anything like these metalcore artists (or any other artist), even though they are multiple people and not necessarily multi-instrumentalists.

I do not believe what I listen to is super hard or that I am rebellious for my taste; certainly what I make is not hard because I am beginner guitarist and amateur percussionist. I do not hate mainstream music; it can be decent, although I dislike that "mainstream" exists.

Why am I doing these things? I want to feel somewhat useful. I'm like that guy who says, "I go down on my (wo)man so much" -- essentially "I supply pleasure" -- except in my case, it is not sexual.

(15 Aug 2016) UPDATE: My Algebra II tests were Aug [15-16] 2016 and I passed. I did get to talk to other people before my tests -- not completely alone.

Outdated Writing

08 August 2016

My Cousin (meant to be video)

August 08, 2016 Cecil Arjun

I went swimming and left at 1:45, which was when I realized my mandatory orientation started at 1; we dropped off my cousins at home and I went in my swim shirt and shorts (I don't wear shorts outside of pool).

~~~~~

In my last video where I put on my swimming cap (which I have still not succeeded in doing), I said I bared slight resemblance to my cousin, who saw that and sort of acknowledged it but mostly was confused. Speaking of my cousin, he has this problem with hypocrisy and has slight misogynistic tendencies.

Hypocrisies:

- calls me sarcastic/paranoid/boy: Him calling me a boy is sarcastic (and I am just being deadpan and not very tonal) and he is throwing an insult directed at him (paranoid) back at me for no apparent reason (I am opposite of paranoid).

- "I'm 10, not stupid."

"Misogyny":

- mockingly calls me boy. There was time where I acted/seemed more feminine than usual and was called girl (fair enough) but now I have short hair and he mocks me for being "boy", which is fine as someone presenting as masculine; however, he repeatedly restated my gender (which my relatives agreed would be annoying) and made fun of me for it as if my "male presentation" was illegitimate and that I should present more femininely...?

Also, disdain for females might seem misogynistic. Now I understand he will likely grow out of this and it's not as drastic as usual, but he's older than people in drastic stages and it's not something I see in most people his age, leading me to think this is not supposed to be case. Whatever -- he will probably grow up.

Outdated Writing

26 June 2016

Orlando Killings: MOGII and Sexualization/Money/Selfishness

June 26, 2016 Cecil Arjun

If you live in US or have seen international news, you have likely heard of 50 people killed in Orlando. Many people have been talking about it from an emotional perspective, but I do not have strong emotional connections for either LGBT[QIA+] people (Although I do strongly support their case, may belong in it, and have a bisexual friend, I have never made gender or sexuality central to my perception of people and therefore still need to find my emotions.) or Christina Grimmie. Prior to her passing, I had only heard of her through "What a Girl Is" from Liv and Maddie; however, realizing her impact on others makes her story stand out a bit.
Perception: One person's life is a story; if there are more than ten people's lives, it is no longer relatable but still mournable; greater than 1000 and it is a statistic.

It was interesting because I was just swiping towards my subscriptions/history when in trending section I saw "Christina Grimmie Killed..." but it cut off, so I assumed that it meant she killed it, meaning she was so awesome they made popular video; however, description said that someone spoke of "late singer" and to evade starting day with sadness, I blew it off as a prank. Then I was working on Vengeance adaptation for English Summer CD when I wondered, "What happened to her?" and looked it up to find that it was not a prank after all. Then a few hours later, we learned of Orlando killings and that their killer, Omar Mateen, said he did it for " 'Islamic' State", which is in itself ridiculous. These "Islamic" terrorists are fakers; they think they understand and represent their religion and its constituents, but killing is definitely not part of Islamic ideology (or any true religion at all). For a religion whose name means "peace" (or something like that), you false representatives slander a name that was supposed to have neutral connotations, like most religions that elicit no response except acknowledgement in its validity. Representatives are often lies in general, to which I will return.

Christina Grimmie was killed by Kevin Loibl, a stranger who was infatuated with her and thought he had right to her love, which is really ridiculous. However, instead of talking about this effect on me (because that explanation is repetitive and dull), I analyze evolutionary aspect to male lust and supposed "right" to women and people's desire for celebrities here: [link coming hopefully soon]

What reasoning is behind some people's insistent/passionate claims that LGBT+ people are molesters/pedophiles/etc? This is ridiculous --- while there are probably some molesters in this community, there are also molesters in straight/cis/"norm" groups

Somewhat relevant: Triggered jokes are inconsiderate and undermine real traumatic experiences. I think some of Urban Dictionary's definitions for trigger are actually informative and not too entertaining (which is beneficial in this case):
My problem with "triggered" jokes is this entire thing is completely inaccurate description of being triggered, which is different for everyone and can cause relapses in habits or addictions, so to speak.
When people write "Im so tr-gg-rd lolz", aside from making them look unintelligent (especially when students posted these comments and "educational" docs on my project info post; when I deleted it, they moved to similar post written by "dork dairies".) and inconsiderate...
I personally think they sound like they are mimicking some really weird sexual experience(s).
Seriously, what happened to this organism here? [double meaning]

Going back, we all (or most) agree that killing is morally wrong... but why? Morality is defined by humans and society, so what is that definition? We generally seem to think actions are morally wrong when they hurt someone's quality of life (crimes most often described with extremely negative adjectives as well as some in next category) or stability of bonds (all kinds of lies or withholding of information). Note that both of these sets overlap and can switch with each other; e.g, lying to police does both, but restricts potential quality of life more than bonds. However, stability of bonds often contribute to life quality. If you have any input/opinions as to what our apparent definition of morality, put it in comments.

Restrictions on guns are key to gun control; what is most important is ensuring background checks are always done because otherwise they serve little purpose. I do strongly believe that assault rifles (made to kill people) should not be legal for civilians and should mainly be used by officials in emergency situations. Banning guns makes sense in theory, but that creates black market and increases demand, similar to how it is with alcohol --- both have massive deleterious effects on society but are also used in safe circumstances.

Banning guns in like banning alcohol; it theoretically sounds like good idea, but in reality, all it does is create a black market and make everyone less safe. Do you think killers will obey your laws? Of course not! They clearly do not care about anything but themselves and satisfying their own twisted desires and others will be less safe. However, what is absolutely appalling is that they do not do any sort of background check for buying guns online. They have a credit card number and address and sufficient amount of personal information to run few simple searches in databases for criminal and mental records.

Key research tip (I was told this and it seems legitimate): Look at who gets most money (gun sellers), rather than those impacted. Everything is about money in our society. No one really cares about you, at least not in professional world. Maybe these things get to them and they cry at home, but this all disappears when they enter professional realm. Then, they put on their impersonal impression and forget everything until they return and their emotions will never show. We will almost never see companies or their representatives care. Each person's reaction is different and representatives are often liars. Even their title lies by saying they represent us; no one can represent anyone else; you have very little to base off your understanding besides their opinion in one time frame before they go and change even more drastically than anyone observed when submitting our opinions. When they say something tragic happened, they say "WE" need to make our country better. Maybe your governmental or incorporated "WE"s need to fix, but "WE", your sometime supporters, do not all hold blame. That said, do vote for what you actually want and expect to have best outcomes. We need to stop being selfish and greedy for money/sex/winning/etc and start making a change; this is one way.

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1.) *popular and well known definition* triggered is when someone gets offended or gets their feelings hurt, often used in memes to describe feminists or people with strong victimization. (use of this word through social media is generally ableist.)

2.) *actual definition of triggered* trigger is something that sets off a memory tape or flashback transporting person back to event of her/his original trauma.
trauma in form of flashbacks or overwhelming feelings of sadness, anxiety, or panic. Brain forms a connection between trigger and feelings with which it is associated, and some triggers are quite innocuous. For example, person who smelled incense while being raped might have panic attack when he or she smells incense in store. Triggers are very personal, and generally people with severe PTSD or/and anxiety can be triggered by everyday things.

1.) lol this 'feminazi' is sooo triggered cus I told her to make me a sandwich!! Lol😂😂

2.) *man who fought in the Iraq war comes back on 4th of July*
"Glad to be home."
*fireworks goes off and the man suddenly has a panic attack, cannot breath and is suffocating on the floor*
*in the hospital*
"Sir, it is apparent that due to very traumatic events you experienced in the war, you have severe PTSD. And we believed that fireworks triggered you to have a panic attack. I'm sorry sir."

Outdated Writing

27 May 2016

2016 May [26-27]: Days [4-5] --- Next Step

May 27, 2016 Cecil Arjun

Today was fairly ordinary --- Jack came back! Also, my roommates left, as I learned when planning on entering my room.

After post-dinner speech, I wanted to go to my room, but I had left my key in there hours earlier and had to get an attendant to unlock door; she thought that my counselor and I were related even though we do not look similar. I got my key and watched movie at friends' room for 30-60 min, after which I headed back to my room.

I had yet to take a shower or brush my teeth or complete any task of my ordinary night routine.
My roommates were gone and I felt lonely, wondering what I would do.
I hardly had ever spoken to them and they went to my school (different grade).

What is tomorrow? It is just another day like today, except I am leaving those I knew into an unknown lonely emptiness that I must fill and condense rather than creating a 3-month long time-suck.

All I know about my plans ---

I have piano rehearsals and recital during June.
I have vacation with my great-uncle midway through school summer break.
I supposedly am going to university camps.
I have two summer projects, one for English and another for Human Geography.

HG will likely take me at most one week as it is just reading packet with first chapter of an arbitrary Human Geo textbook and completing vocab matrix
However, English projects always take quite long and therefore I should do reasonably sized portions daily. (Of course, I will always be lazy procrastinating young-adult "teen-aged waste" until I make an effort to change myself, but these kinds of flaws have self-perpetuating tendencies.)

I should [and hopefully will] get some volunteer hours in. Then again, I also should: learn new languages; request ear training and new instrument lessons; finish writing and publish my books; generate revenue from ads; write more relatable blog posts; make videos; study and learn more so I can accelerate and begin career earlier (yes, I understand that I should not always look to grow up so fast and instead cherish childhood; that usually is not implied to mean waste time on computer but rather spend time with friends, which is unlikely as I only communicate with others when it is side effect of another activity); and generally contribute more to society than indirectly being source of money for certain people by using water/gas/electricity/internet/etc.

I feel as if I am quite wasteful and indulgent as well as immodest and unnecessarily intrusive.

Here are developmental phases I went through (this is subject to [develop/improve]ments as I remember what I forgot):

Infancy: basic functions are still developing
Toddler (Daycare/Pre-K/Kindergarten): Jumping Dress (poked people and cut my hair instead of paper) --- I think of myself as unknowingly emulating 1880s kid fashion and wearing dresses often, although my mother claims I mostly wore casual shirts and pants unless forced into more "proper" clothing with suits and woolen jackets/dresses, which made me throw up one time due to its excessive restrictive warmth that induced fever (or something of that sort).
Kindergarten: I was also additionally "Crushing Pest", meaning I was annoying attention freak and I think I had crushes on every one [of opposite sex, of course! I actually did not know about concept of gaiety.]. (My parents [dad] always used to tell me, "If you have crush on someone, you should tell us." Why? Unless I am pursuing a relationship with this "someone" (and even then) it is solely my business who I want to tell; these are my feelings and I do not need your input, which will likely be awkward lecture about how I should study and not distract myself with these things which are completely natural. Also, my crushes faded extremely quickly.)
2nd-3rd grade: My crushes waned (yes!) and I was just odd in unnerving way.

I cried because I could not use scissors. In retrospect, this probably hints towards my mood instability and tendencies of vulnerable narcissism (tendencies, mind you).
We were supposed to draw and describe ourselves on manilla paper; I, going into extraneous detail (like I am right now) and believing I am within range of sensibility and accuracy, wrote "Gender(Sex): [redacted]", which really freaked my classmates out, although I can not recall when my teachers thought anything of it.
There was this girl who I sat next to (and goes to this camp along with another girl from our class) and allegedly poked frequently; I was doing something which required slight approach (asking for something, or more likely being a creep) and likely got all up in her face with my charm. Somehow, people thought I was trying to kiss her, implying lesbian (people often took me as female) tendencies. One of our classmates defended me with this [now deemed controversial] line: "Why would a girl kiss another girl?" {paraphrase} To be fair, no one ever learned about or understood LGBT-ness then.
Also, our teacher showed us her son, who wore an ordinary onesie which has sleeves in it. I had a realization and decided to share, "Aren't sleeves just armpit coverers?" to which others thought I was being rude. Interrupting is rude (not sure if that was how it was), but comment is not really rude so much as weird and incorrect; sleeves are by definition arm coverers, which may reveal your pits (I would not be too surprised if that sort of sleeve existed).

4th-5th grade: Tan, friend from ice skating, comes to my grade (after which I learn she was in my school for entire time) and our friendship became strongest during that time, especially because I had no other friends (maybe few acquaintances by association), although we did have this joke about those "Dummies Who Watch SpongeBob" (DWWS). Also, in 5th, I learned what gay meant besides happy (my original sense of it). --- best friend for some time
6th grade: Communication rate with them dropped significantly after entering middle school not because they took offense (no one else even knew what we were talking about) due to my getting friends, having separate sections and slight "maturing". Others really did mature but I just emailed people more and was part of email fiasco that resulted in our school emails being changed from {[first name.surname] --> example: miha---- [first two letters of first and surname respectively followed by 4-digit number}@[domain]. --- waste gone wrong
7th grade: tons of fun --- full of (dirty) jokes and conversation all around; Mich making an anthology of her poems based off of our class's submission of words to her.
Due to new campus, our email changed again anyway.
8th and onward: Questioning Teen/Young Adult (confused about paths in life)
Relationships with Bec (when combined with others/to be fair, Bec is not necessarily someone you want to work with and vice versa, as she likes going solo.) and "dork dairies" as project partners + my ever-present arrogant attitude: D-bag boyfriend
Most of my school life: clingy (girl)friend

I wish to be somewhere and something that matters and actively helps change our world positively because I am really tired of all this world's problems and there needs to be more calls to action.

However, I lack strong passion for anything and have aforementioned flaw of being lazy.

Outdated Writing

26 May 2016

2016 May 25/Day 3: I Introduce Overcompensation/Gender Roles

May 26, 2016 Cecil Arjun

Notice: Our speaker today (as well as some from other days) were from India and so is our "instructor", AKA that guy we see every first class and post-dinner that keeps on making comments, nagging us to ask questions and sit in front and lowers projector while speakers introduce during beginning of each interaction.
Explanation: Overcompensation is term I apply to that "girls can have intelligent careers" movement (likely sub-sect of feminism). One time last year as we were approaching time to leave, our teacher said that all boys can leave but all girls must stay behind. I pack up slowly and somehow I was roped into this minute-long pep talk, where he encouraged us to break barriers or something corny and unnecessary like that (it was year ago, so I forgot, but it still bothers me.), which was part of what intrigued me about gender and made me want to ask why it mattered.
So if I said I was girl/boy on my stuff, I would get paid differently in high-end careers? Well, I should stay male (and maybe fake being white [but I count as Asian] and remain under 35). Does this also apply to my blog? Do advertisers care about my gender? I suppose not, so why do our workplaces?
Difference between advertised corps and corps we "will work for": We reveal our identities to latter.
It seems as if it would be easier to keep track of how much money is being used on salaries if everyone is paid same amount. (I meant same rate for same job; I am not communist.)
Yet somehow it actually seems to be based on college majors and women seem to pick lesser-paying majors, which reflects a different gender gap based on college: even though there are more women than men going to university, they are picking less useful majors and thus go into less profitable fields.

After-dinner presentation: It feels like our presenter, through monetary appeal and background biographies, is trying to insinuate that their lifestyle of STEM careers and propagate assumption that every female will marry and proceed to procreate, which is irritating but sadly not uncommon. They say we have choice in choosing careers, so you must choose to be STEM (or possibly some other well-paying prestigious job that requires an extensive education and follow our manufactured passion, even though all these female in this "Girls Can" ad are not in these careers, are obviously defeating boundaries which you would clearly find fixed and horrendous to not exist, and are promoting makeup (Is this further pushing stereotypical Indian woman image of presentable working mother?).

Also, that distinction between gender (social identity based on sex) and sex (based on genitalia) is never clarified when talking about women being "able to do anything" (which is borderline deceptive exaggeration for younger kids; humans have their limits, regardless of gender/sex --- they are not going to grow leg wings out of their anatomy). Where are trans people? Oh, yeah, those people should stay at home if they want to have their identity. (My mother passionately believes that bathroom debate is important issue (No one said this; I would brought up this , but I worried that this might cause scene.) ) This attitude reminds me of what I looked up on Alan Turing and Brits --- society hating on people due to their identity, except that this is not about gaiety, it is about transgender-ism (which is grammatically correct as nominalisation).
Paragraph conclusion/TL|DR: I think they mean gender, but no one clarifies.
[Edit: They obviously mean your legal status, as that is what employers first see.]

Our speaker seemed slightly surprised when one girl in second video (#girls code) said female video-game characters were hyper-sexualized as if she did not preview it. Maybe it is simply because we are above all of that trivial nonsense about --- what did you just say? Do not use that inappropriate language! We are here to get an education, not become activities of expletives. (hyperbole)
Yet you have had kids and you were talking about how you had your first baby and split between career and motherhood. I am not shaming anyone for any expletive activities, but this approach confuses me. Please just be direct about this sort of stuff; we will encounter it in STEM fields anyway (Anatomy & Physiology and bio + sub-sects/mergers with chem and med) and we likely know more than you think, so please avoid any awkwardness.

Additional note: Mare, Mich and I tried out "Truth or Dare" app. Kid mode was lame, teen mode was goofy but not interesting enough, and extreme was actually pretty pale. Dare - add "love doctor" to FaceBook username (none of us have FB)/Truth - Have you slept with member of same gender? While Mare deleted it after that, this is actually truth I have no problem in divulging: Yes, I have slept with (not a euphemism) members of same gender as well as opposite --- which at most tells you who I may have shared a bed with (parents and cousin) and nothing else.

Please stop telling my female compatriots that their passion is STEM because it might not be; stop hinting that these people will get married (to men of course --- depending on our culture, we may (not?) accept gays, but never in our circle! We would be ruined!) and thus have kids through regular process of impregnation.(awkward thought process on you adults owning/storing protection :|) [what about alternatives? Adoption is rare but certainly more common than "artificial" ways like IVF. Plus, while population is more due to adult fill-up and is not our greatest concern, having kids is not always advisable. Do you really think it is beneficial to be responsible for even more people's lives of which whose existence we were in full control?] It is not something you should do --- rather you should say that these are potential realities and that all of us need to consider our decisions and protect ourselves from risks (pun?)
This family insinuation makes me and likely others feel uncomfortable and uneasy about discussing their sexuality/fertility/career choices on grounds of avoiding animosity; however, hiding our predispositions will create more animosity in long run.

Sources: http://www.aauw.org/research/the-simple-truth-about-the-gender-pay-gap/
http://www.weeklystandard.com/why-is-there-a-gender-pay-gap/article/2002491

Outdated Writing

24 May 2016

2016 May 24: Day 2 of University Camp

May 24, 2016 Cecil Arjun

1st class "Pre-Med": Are (mainly Indian in my experience, not to be racist) adults obsessed with asking questions?

I understand getting education as focus, but should we not understand stuff? Inquisition is fine but every time makes it as dull as extending a rhyme. Not everyone wants to ask questions --- if they think it is flawed but have genuine intentions, they should ask; otherwise,

Also, he mixed up PLTW (Project Lead the Way) and thought it was Project-Based Learning (type of project done in school, while PLTW is type of class.
There was very little "med" and more info on how to get into advanced programs like Pact until last speaker showed us videos on haptic systems and uses for motion sensors in therapy and entertainment.

Lunch: I got lost, met Mon (one of my school's students from higher grade), and with help of another student and her group, we all made it, giving me less time to eat, which was fine because I eat less.

2nd class "App Inventor": When I arrive clad in sweat and my backpack, I was alone with two teachers and someone else's supplies while people (there were 23 enrolled) arrive silently and take attendance. I was distracted and lagged while there was one person I felt bad for because they were frustrated at program's lack of co-operation because that is basically me, just that I usually keep reactions inside myself or my home.

Recreation time (Hours 16-18, but I was aiming to leave by 17): I headed to my dorm in hopes of doing homework, but did very little for half an hour and elicited my teachers to ask me where I was and inform them next time. I decided against dinner as it is just another time-suck and I am only required to have two meals per day. (I misinterpreted our dinner times and it was actually at hour 18.)
I went for activities but we all left because there was no space for us, so we played ping-pong.

Dinner (which I did eat): I rushed because I got too much food; Jack left on terms of illness.

Speech "College Success": Like an arrogant spoiled brat, I went to my room to set up my laptop that my parents brought, then spent most of my time walking around building trying to find entrance and got there at last seven minutes. My life is a big waste of time that I only partake in because of vain hope that I will be more productive/useful in future but I never am.

I misplaced my key card in parking lot, which increased my self-disappointment.

My failure to my project partner was not even reflected into our grades and my parents will see my English grade as a failure and so did I, but I recently stopped stressing as I deserve my grades as they are result of my actions.

Outdated Writing

2016 May 23: Day 1 of University Camp

May 24, 2016 Cecil Arjun

Me: It was a little amusing in between all those boring speeches...
[Also, I lied to my project partner about being able to finish our project until I had to own up to my choice and thus failed her...]

We checked in, saw each other at "dinner", went to our dorms and proceeded with activities: welcome speech and campus tour.

Outdated Writing

22 May 2016

Science Fair and Ambigram Cards

May 22, 2016 Anonymous

Friday, May 20: Pat, Bec, Nat, Mich, and I were sent to our science teacher (OST) because people at "Central Office" thought our projects were "missing requirements", which basically tells us that they were terrible.

It began with Nat telling me while we were waiting for math class that OST wants to see me; however, they make jokes about our teacher often, so I blew it off: "I don't care," which is true for me in anything regarding science fair projects. At this point, I did not know he wanted to see anyone else.

Then, our math teacher got call saying that he wanted to see students listed above.

While OST was asking for our emails, Mich said that last year she went to state for project regarding whether water or bleach killed more bacteria; due to not being able to grow bacteria fully, she partially fabricated her data because obviously bleach will kill more bacteria.
My reaction: "Wow, I really need to come up with better fake science fair projects," to which Bec agreed.

Pat and Bec were two first people to leave. OST proceeded and saw an email for an supposedly nameless project, then sent me mine and then Mich's while Nat kept on whining about how he wants to get his email next so he can leave --- and for some reason his project name was not recorded.

I understand why CO hated my fake-tastic project, but Pat and Bec had gotten to State Science Fair; Pat got 1st place in his category and Bec got recognition from Water Environment Association, yet somehow Central Office thinks their projects are "missing something".

Also, as gift to my classmates, I was to make cards where I make ambigram* out of their name and surround it with qualities describing them, write regular note on back, and fold it up into an envelope with only their name on display. However, I lack time to do so and decided against it (although it was decent idea).

*Definition: symbolic representation (In this case, it is word.) that retains meaning when viewed from different angle/perspective (rotated).

This kind of gift will definitely make those close to you feel special; if you do not know how to make an ambigram, you can search for an ambigram generator online.
Making an ambigram by hand is really more of matter of time and patience and I, as an amateur, have little patience, so you can observe how it works on your own, although remember that some words or sets of words are harder to ambigram than others.

Outdated Writing

14 May 2016

Debo dar a los recursos de mi cuerpo pero me gusta mis excusas.

May 14, 2016 Cecil Arjun

My feet and legs are my unrecognized foundation

My life rests atop these pillars without which I would rely on plastic or metal

(There is nothing wrong in that but I prefer my flesh)

Popliteal vein is main channel through leg centered in knees

Rise above to our next system: reproductive

Controlled by hormonal endocrine

Our pelvises store potential fetuses

This one I have will be wasted due to my resistance

To childbearing because of overpopulation concerns

So let our tissues churn

But if we want to save them

I shall donate [sperm/eggs]

And you all should donate [eggs/sperm]

If you will not procreate

Give someone without a chance a turn

Skeletons provide our framework with 206-300 bones that fuse together as we grow and muscles connect by tendons and ligaments to pull us around.

Next to digestion

Those enzymes dissolve our food

Saliva contains amylase to break starch and bicarbonate buffer to base your acid

After it is chewed, mucus and saliva flow down esophagus

Into stomach where hydrochloric acid kills harmful pathogens and lets coiled proteins relax

Pepsin cuts protein chains into peptides

And your stomach muscles flex to mix your food before it moves on to intestines

Insulin is released to compensate for blood sugar increase

And waste descends down as our feces

And our urine is created by kidneys filtering blood and ridding us of waste products and excesses

Immune and lymphatic systems are defenses to pathogens by creating white blood cells and detoxing our bodies

Respiration takes in oxygen and expels carbon dioxide

And our breathing patterns alter as we laugh and talk together

Capillaries link alveoli to let air flow through our blood

Circulation pumps our blood through bright red arteries and after traversing capillaries comes back dulled but happened twice through two pipes in reverse directions

And I would give pint of blood every 54 days and my gametes

Except I am not old enough to fulfill requirements

But when my time comes, I will give parts of my body away

To someone who wants and/or needs them more than me.

At least I will do that with my hair in a few weeks

Let your scissors cut it off and I will hide it like I wanted to for a while

And let me have my -----cyte donation (wait, I take that back! I am fine with it being intact!)

Let your needle pierce my basilic vein and take blood from me; it is not mine but for all of those in need

Mis pies y las piernas son mi fundación no reconocido

Mi vida se apoya sobre estos pilares sin los cuales se basaría en plástico o metal

(Yo prefiero y agradezco mi carne)

vena poplítea es el canal principal a través de la pierna centrada en las rodillas

Elevarse por encima de nuestro siguiente sistema: reproductiva

Controlado por endocrino hormonal

Nuestros pelvis almacenan fetos potenciales

Esto que tengo se desperdicia debido a mi resistencia

A la maternidad debido a la preocupación de sobrepoblación

Así que deje que nuestros tejidos batir

Pero si queremos guardarlos

Voy a donar [óvulos/esperma]

Y todos deben donar [esperma/óvulos]

Si no va a procrear

Dar a alguien sin la oportunidad de una vuelta

Esqueletos proporcionan nuestro marco con 206-300 huesos que se fusionan a medida que crecemos y los músculos conectamos por medio de tendones y ligamentos para tirar de nosotros alrededor.

Al lado de la digestión

Esas enzimas se disuelven nuestros alimentos

La saliva contiene amilasa para romper el almidón y el tampón de bicarbonato para basar su ácido

Después de que se mastica, el moco y saliva fluyen hacia abajo el esófago

En el estómago, donde el ácido clorhídrico mata a los patógenos dañinos y permite que las proteínas en espiral se relajan

La pepsina corta las cadenas de proteínas en péptidos

Y los músculos del estómago se flexionan para mezclar su comida antes de que pasa a los intestinos

La insulina es liberada para compensar el aumento de azúcar en la sangre

Y los residuos desciende como nuestras heces

Y nuestra orina es creado por los riñones filtran la sangre y nos librar de los productos de desecho y excesos

sistemas inmunes y linfáticos son defensas contra los patógenos mediante la creación de células blancas de la sangre y la desintoxicación de nuestros cuerpos

La respiración toma oxígeno y expulsa dióxido de carbono

Y nuestros patrones de respiración alteran como nos reímos y hablamos juntos

Los capilares enlazan alvéolos para permitir el flujo de aire a través de nuestra sangre

Bombas de circulación de nuestra sangre por las arterias de color rojo brillante y después de capilares que atraviesan vuelve embotado, pero pasó dos veces a través de dos tubos en direcciones inversas

Y [yo le daría a pinta de sangre cada 54 días y mis gametos

Excepto que no tengo edad suficiente para cumplir con los requisitos

Pero cuando llegue mi hora, voy a dar partes de mi cuerpo lejos

Para alguien que quiera y / o los necesita más que yo.

Por lo menos voy a hacer eso con mi pelo en pocas semanas]*

Deje que sus tijeras cortaron y lo he de ocultar como que quería por un tiempo

Y déjame tener mi donación de -----citos (espero, retiro lo dicho! Estoy bien con él que es intacto!)

Deje que su aguja perfora mi vena basílica y tomar la sangre de mí; no es mío, sino para todos aquellos que lo necesitan

*This was our stanza.

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13 May 2016

Ending School Year

May 13, 2016 Anonymous

May 11: Science exam, which I completed fairly quickly; afterwards, I read Gordon Korman's Zoobreak, then began John Green's An Abundance of Katherines.
May 12: Social Studies exam, which was fairly simple.
May 13: AP Human Geo, last exam taken in my school building.

In Spanish class, we were supposed to complete a cultural project where we could present Spanish language poems, music, or food, of which latter two were supposed to be from Spanish-speaking origins, but one food passed and other failed, whereas music was entirely irrelevant but good.

I was supposed to announce who was presenting. (Order may be incorrect.) Here I am using substandard nicknames.

1) Ant and Derek: lumpia, which I unfortunately could not consume because they had beef. They smelled appetizing.
2) Mat: Spitfire on clarinet
3) Ty: Riffs from Seven Nation Army and Longview (songs)
4) Et: store-bought microwaved taquitos, which were only presented this early because they were getting cold. Quote from his presentation: "This is a very Latino food," which seems to imply all you need to know. Half tasted lame and too cold
5) Shell (Me) and Yara: I wrote long poem yesterday (which will be in following post) and she forgot to do hers. She originally got drawing from Lexi, but she gave it back because that drawing did not look like her style (although it is not her specialty, she draws decently and it might even have seemed more cultural) and thought partnering up was better. Since I had our turned-in papers, I changed ours on there.
6) Lexi, artist of this class: She drew something from The Property of Hate ["Young girl" (main character) on RGB's back]
7) Kiara, who is also great drawer but forgot to do this project, borrowed Lexi's drawing of "her husband" skeleton, to which I commented during her required explanation that she drew it to represent that she felt like death.
8) Brit: I gave her my first stanza (about legs being foundation).
9) Fork and Home: did not go --- former was tired, latter never cares.
10) Wall: I tried to give stanza on bones, but we left.

One of my friend-acquaintances leaves next week and I will leave her note.

I leave for school-sponsored university camp on May 23 after/during(?) field trip [no specific camp times given] and I give everyone ambigram note about them and their personality.

An ambigram is a representation of image/word that still retains meaning when rotated, which may differ from original meaning.
Ambigram notes are great gift as they show you put effort into doing something for them.

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10 May 2016

Month of (9) May Rain

May 10, 2016 Anonymous

This path... I know if I go too far, I may never come back.

Going a reasonable distance is not reasonable; it puts me at higher risk for abduction.

It feels as if right path, one you know you should take, is too short even though it is at fine length. If I want long length, just go back around.

Problematic path is what I wish I could take.

My life is like these trails. I wish I could go some ways and instead of gathering knowledge, I take path of least resistance and remain in this dull existence.

How far is too far? I walk and I have no way of telling when I should turn back.

I know it will where border of confusion is, but I would find out too late after it was crossed.

Rain splashes loudly and I run back for safety of myself and security of others.

-- This poem (message and writing) is another reason I should have had my phone when I walked, but my shortsighted self forgot. April 9, 2016

It was one month and it rained today too --- newfound connection.

Today, Pierce The Veil songs (beginning with misinterpreted typing of BL) led me to my core interest in self harm and cases of suicide and mental disorder (which I keep on telling people not to mock; however, my repetition reinforces my attention freak status in my head others might agree with). Liv Penpraze had to live through voices in her head because other people kept on talking and negative messages piled on top until storage bin revolted and let everything run rampant . There was no observable way through, only all those obvious paths out that same way.

It also led me to breast cancer, which unfortunately afflicts many people. Purpose of life is to solve our problems, which keep on coming back, and create more efficient solutions. How do these things happen? Few minuscule mistakes in cells take over and damage what had been delicate balances: one between systems within that body and one between that body's mind and those of other kindred related to that person.
Guilt resides for never having suffered at expense of another.

Decision about camp on last week of school made me wonder: why would I not want to go? Would I miss anything significant? As usual, I was ambivalent and slightly reluctant to change as I wondered if I would miss anything (although with every choice you make, you will miss something else) and why I battle with my desire for observable connections; people hurt and kill themselves and others over love/hate/jealousy/etc relating to their connections with other people and themselves. It is much more difficult to build up than to be broken down, as can be observed simply by seeing your grade drop farther with one wrong question than is compensated by one right question (without any tricks) solely with mathematical truth.

Why is love worth it? Why does residual sadness and disappointment remain?

I am worth so little but I could mean so much and that is why I live: I am alive for other people; I am not that important/I am insignificant but I can give away everything which makes me more important than what I am. I have no right to emotions; upset/anger and other negatives are for attention or ungratefulness and positive feelings are indulgent and greedy, it feels. Objectivity just might be my best shot.

My arms are what I can and should give in a generous embrace ---
Let your needle pierce my basilic vein and take blood from me; it is not mine but for all of those in need. (This will come back in future post.)

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07 May 2016

Running Cries and Short Fires: 6 May 2016

May 07, 2016 Cecil Arjun

Some interesting things happened yesterday.

When accidental and awkward contact happens, it should not matter that much.
Yet it was that funny when one classmate (who I will call "Nat") waved everyone inside and accidentally tapped derriere of member of opposite gender (dork dairies). It really was neither of their faults as I do not think that "dork dairies" was looking and "Nat" was facing those people in line farther from door.

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01 May 2016

Drive or Die — Walking is Unsafe?

May 01, 2016 Anonymous

Remember my after school learning site? That place is only 3/4 mi or 1.21 km and is completely within walking distance of my home.

This begs question: why do I not walk between these places?

In sentence: Parents are concerned about my safety.
Clarification: This path would require me to pass by signs of places which reside close to fast main road and I could be "run over" (even though I am not on the road) or kidnapped/shot (People will decide to shoot or abduct some kid in front of a barely-vacant public facility in a low-crime area).

This is absurdly disappointing and terrifying reality: there could be anyone willing to inflict harm upon others.

Well, here is different situation that happened bit after midnight:

I asked my parents if I could walk to house of someone who we were visiting for "party" of sorts and they agreed because it was in our neighborhood.

Then we were going to return and I was planning on walking back but my parents told me to get in car. I tried and failed to convince them otherwise.

Their primary concern was kidnapping.

I somewhat get kidnapping on a busy road, but in neighborhood?
Okay, I take that back --- that entirely makes more sense. On roadside in broad light of day, people can see you; at midnight in lonely neighborhood, this will go entirely unnoticed.

People have such lack of fulfillment in their lives that they will go around to find innocent people to steal and do other horrible and criminal things (either "obscene" or violent [murderous] crimes)?

It disgusts me that in this time period people still cannot engage themselves without resorting to harming others.

My lackluster excuse for vacant, expressionless online manifestation of hope and sympathy that clearly pales in comparison to real suffering goes to everyone that has been affected by any sort of crime or kidnapping, especially those closest to it and those in mourning.

We hope this has meaning to someone and is not in vain.

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27 April 2016

Packing to Relocate

April 27, 2016 Anonymous

One of my classmates sat with me today at lunch because her usual lunch group was at math assistance and told me this thing which was somewhat humourous but distressing:

Her family had gone to another state on vacation.

<They return.>

(Disclaimer: I made up these quotes.)

Her mother: "I just loved that vacation to 佛फ्लो羅रि里डा達州 (translation of state's name into two languages with alternating characters)! Here is good idea --- why do we not move there?
Think about it; we can start copy of our business there!"

Some days later...

Parents: "We are relocating to 佛फ्लो羅रि里डा達州 to live in great beach house beside lovely emerald waters!"

<She and her brother think this is strange and sudden.>

House is to be up for sale shortly, so they must pack quickly and get into their .

They store half of stuff in day's worth of loading.

Classmate "CM": "Where is my toothbrush?"

Mother: "Oh, we have already put that into storage. We will get you new one."

Classmate thinks: "Okay? I am supposed to just not brush my teeth today...?"

---

Next day or so...

CM and her brother, along with their father, are carrying various boxes while mother rests on couch.

CM thinks: "She was one who wanted to move, so why is she doing nothing? Whatever --- these things are really heavy and I... am... so... tired..."

Prior to telling us this, she asked one of our counselors how she could complete her course plan and received advice which was better suited for someone staying in our state.

This story tells me that people can be quick to form conclusions and act impulsively.

Also, families seem to show a moving trend. Tons of people move here for economic opportunities; people move out to explore other opportunities, as this is an age of change which can either be boredom or interest.

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22 April 2016

21 April 2016: Annoying People and Overcrowding

April 22, 2016 Anonymous

You probably know some person(s) who, for some reason, just could not stop bothering you.

I surely do --- this guy is probably 4-7 years younger than me; I was at my after-school learning program that shall remain unnamed and I was trying to do my work in waiting room.

{Digression: I understand that kids are not supposed to do classwork in waiting rooms, but I did on a mostly regular basis because there are few people to help me inside and I might be punished for consequently "assisting myself" with solutions and there is more social opportunity outside. I only went inside to turn in my worksheets or because waiting room is dull/classroom is not crowded (desk to myself) but not close to empty (otherwise I may be caught).}

At first, this kid just kept saying "hi" repeatedly, which was typical, so I just kept on talking with my friend-acquaintance. Then, she went to call her parents and this person read our names off our bag labels, made fun of her name and "Reading Rocks" pins (which she had because she liked pins, not reading) and somehow thought my name was pronounced "Shell-Mac", which is wrong.

Things got even more ridiculous.

I continued my drudgery when I heard "I loving you," ... repeatedly. Huh? That seems creepy on a few levels.

I subsequently receive compliments on my appearance: "You are beautiful, pretty, and cute."
What kind of terrible pickup line --- if that was what it was --- is that? Redundancy is not actually that flattering.

My response: "I am not actually concerned with my appearance." and paraphrases [tripled].

I finish my pages and turn them in, then exit to run through building complex, thinking of a response: "You like [people of 'my often assumed gender'], right? Well, I apologize, but I am not actually a [person of 'my often assumed gender']."

No need for it, though. Maybe I will use it to mess with someone else.

Obviously, if there was a reason, I probably would not have minded as much. However, it seems as if he is truly that immature.

Another funny incident that day ---

I met a different friend at same place, who told me that my mom picked her up from our school. What?

Later, on that aforementioned run, I meet her mom who says she would have raced me if she were not wearing wedges, going on to converse with me about school for a few minutes.
(My friend was taking a long time on her classwork, so her mom was waiting outside, which I would have told her, but then thought better not to.)

Then I decided to take a walk and look at an apartment complex that will soon be filled with people, further exacerbating our crowded suburb.

My mom told me that my friend's mom was stuck in traffic for 90 minutes while going nowhere.

Why do people waste money on jacking up roads and making houses? Inconvenience is lucrative.

Fri July 1st 2016 UPDATE: I am making short satire about construction to note problems with overconstruction and I hope some people find this blog and like that story.

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Death [TW: bad writing]

April 22, 2016 Anonymous

Written 20 April 2016
Trigger Warning --- speaks of death and also is badly written

I cannot stand sad songs. People write them to cope (which often works) and they are not terrible in and of themselves but they hurt me by forcing me to confront myself and my lack of seriousness.

May 1 Edit: Another thing that bothers me are songs that make me sad when they are not (examples: All Time Low - For Baltimore, Sleeping with Sirens - If I'm James Dean, You're Audrey Hepburn (also Dance Party because its absurdity and perceived purposelessness made me think about nature of purpose and credit), Abandon All Ships title track of first album (its bridge), etc, Echosmith - Safest Place [I was quite easily saddened during that point], etc.). Other people experience this too as I found from my friend "Bec". If this happens to you, comment what songs or other things have this effect.

Mayday Parade's Terrible Things is sad but like Disappear (by Issues) and Amelia (by Tonight Alive) that have affected me in past and were worse because I found out who they were about, it no longer saddens me (I actually wanted to repeat it because I stopped and listened to last 20 seconds separately). What did make me sad was a comment on music video for Pierce The Veil - King For a Day:

User Name of poster: Music makes this whole thing less painful
My best friend recently killed herself, this was her favorite song and favorite band. Just before hand, she was trying to convince me to listen to PTV, because I didn't like very much of the music she listened to. Two days before she killed herself she was sitting on my stair well with tears in her eyes, I remember asking her if she was okay. She insisted she was so I just brushed it off, I knew she was a strong person. The next day she made me buy this song on my rock band set, and she loved it... Now I'm sitting here crying, clutching my knees listening to this song, wishing I would have just hugged her and told her that whatever she was going through she could talk about. But it's all over now, I've lost my best friend. I've lost my rock. I've lost the one person who meant the most to me. I love you.

I hate suicide because it seems to be an impulsive response (that usually builds up over time "until there's nothing left" [song] because they "do not want this anymore". Some of lyrics in King for a Day could actually be used to reflect suicide.) that seems to solve your problems and in a way it does. It solves YOUR problems, but you leave in your wake a bunch of other problems for people around you to deal with. It is not selfish because they are truly plagued by their inner problems, usually self-hatred or outer circumstances.

Death is universal --- more so than life --- but it scares me. People do not like to admit that death scares them, but when others die and I face its effect on those close to them, it makes me sad that someone else had to deal with this and guilty that I never have.

Funerals are difficult because I was not close to deceased and will feel awkward and inconsiderate by going or not. If I attend, I assume I will make a mistake and accidentally offend someone; if I do not, I will cause myself guilt later.

This is how I always knew I never wanted to die (even though I had self-loathing/harming tendencies in 2013-2014 that still linger today, I could not find a better word for suicidal but knew I was not). I hate death, especially when lives are cut off (which is why those songs that pained me previously were harder --- they were based off of real people.) because that person could have ended properly and achieved some closure but something disrupted their homeostatic balance significantly enough to cause them to perish.

I fear that internet browsers look for things to criticize unjustly and target. Friend of person who posted that comment may honestly seem somewhat stereotypical, but anything someone likes can help and many seem to find this sort of music releases more tension and is more effective. Most comments like this are genuine because most people are not so nonchalantly disrespectful as to mock serious problems. What matters is that people struggle and it is up to us to help them.

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