Month of (9) May Rain
This path... I know if I go too far, I may never come back.
Going a reasonable distance is not reasonable; it puts me at higher risk for abduction.
It feels as if right path, one you know you should take, is too short even though it is at fine length. If I want long length, just go back around.
Problematic path is what I wish I could take.
My life is like these trails. I wish I could go some ways and instead of gathering knowledge, I take path of least resistance and remain in this dull existence.
How far is too far? I walk and I have no way of telling when I should turn back.
I know it will where border of confusion is, but I would find out too late after it was crossed.
Rain splashes loudly and I run back for safety of myself and security of others.
-- This poem (message and writing) is another reason I should have had my phone when I walked, but my shortsighted self forgot. April 9, 2016
It was one month and it rained today too --- newfound connection.
Today, Pierce The Veil songs (beginning with misinterpreted typing of BL) led me to my core interest in self harm and cases of suicide and mental disorder (which I keep on telling people not to mock; however, my repetition reinforces my attention freak status in my head others might agree with). Liv Penpraze had to live through voices in her head because other people kept on talking and negative messages piled on top until storage bin revolted and let everything run rampant . There was no observable way through, only all those obvious paths out that same way.
It also led me to breast cancer, which unfortunately afflicts many people. Purpose of life is to solve our problems, which keep on coming back, and create more efficient solutions. How do these things happen? Few minuscule mistakes in cells take over and damage what had been delicate balances: one between systems within that body and one between that body's mind and those of other kindred related to that person.
Guilt resides for never having suffered at expense of another.
It also led me to breast cancer, which unfortunately afflicts many people. Purpose of life is to solve our problems, which keep on coming back, and create more efficient solutions. How do these things happen? Few minuscule mistakes in cells take over and damage what had been delicate balances: one between systems within that body and one between that body's mind and those of other kindred related to that person.
Guilt resides for never having suffered at expense of another.
Decision about camp on last week of school made me wonder: why would I not want to go? Would I miss anything significant? As usual, I was ambivalent and slightly reluctant to change as I wondered if I would miss anything (although with every choice you make, you will miss something else) and why I battle with my desire for observable connections; people hurt and kill themselves and others over love/hate/jealousy/etc relating to their connections with other people and themselves. It is much more difficult to build up than to be broken down, as can be observed simply by seeing your grade drop farther with one wrong question than is compensated by one right question (without any tricks) solely with mathematical truth.
Why is love worth it? Why does residual sadness and disappointment remain?
I am worth so little but I could mean so much and that is why I live: I am alive for other people; I am not that important/I am insignificant but I can give away everything which makes me more important than what I am. I have no right to emotions; upset/anger and other negatives are for attention or ungratefulness and positive feelings are indulgent and greedy, it feels. Objectivity just might be my best shot.
My arms are what I can and should give in a generous embrace ---
Let your needle pierce my basilic vein and take blood from me; it is not mine but for all of those in need. (This will come back in future post.)
Why is love worth it? Why does residual sadness and disappointment remain?
I am worth so little but I could mean so much and that is why I live: I am alive for other people; I am not that important/I am insignificant but I can give away everything which makes me more important than what I am. I have no right to emotions; upset/anger and other negatives are for attention or ungratefulness and positive feelings are indulgent and greedy, it feels. Objectivity just might be my best shot.
My arms are what I can and should give in a generous embrace ---
Let your needle pierce my basilic vein and take blood from me; it is not mine but for all of those in need. (This will come back in future post.)
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