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05 July 2017

For disabled trans people: How would you feel if you woke up to find your disability gone, but your physical transition permanently reversed?

   July 05, 2017       Cecil Arjun

[first posted on April 15]

This question was deleted, but I liked my comment and decided to post it.
For disabled trans people: How would you feel if you woke up to find your disability gone, but your physical transition permanently reversed?
Not that I am disabled, but I assume that would be miserable as they would have learned to live with disability, whereas their means of dealing with gender dysphoria was transition.
Now that their means of dealing with dysphoria is removed, they will probably hate their efforts having been undone. Maybe some physical inconveniences may have been removed, but their mental health will surely decline.

  

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- July 05, 2017 0 comments

Awkward Text Messages

   July 05, 2017       Cecil Arjun

[first posted on April 15]




Why

is this spacing so horrible?



Answer my question next time... this answer was reasonable.


I was in school and taking test. I saw these later on and had no idea what these meant. What context do they fit in, even if this was directed to my mother?
When I came home, I asked my father why he sent these messages; he said they were for my mom. He got us mixed up three times…
I am in his contacts as “My Child Majumdar” and my mother is in his contacts as her name (different surname); I understand we both talk to him often, but maybe he could have realized his mistake…?

I suppose that he just clicked on most recently texted person.

  

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- July 05, 2017 0 comments

09 June 2017

Elementary Soccer & Unnecessary Self-Loathing

   June 09, 2017       Cecil Arjun

I tried out and failed at “city league” (or something of that sort) soccer sometime before fourth grade.

One time, I wanted to play soccer with my classmates due to my desperation for friends and I impulsively touched ball with my hands.
TIP: If you do not understand how to do something and cannot/will not get any learning resources, do not try.
Anyway, everyone became irritated — I think they overreacted, but their reaction was warranted. In all fairness, I overreacted also.

I went to these kinds of stairs:



They looked similar to this, but they were covered all over with possibly-flaking monochrome maroon paint and had duller edges than these seem to have.

I started crying and I…

  • pulled out my hair? (I know I did that in sixth year while my teacher was reprimanding me for ignoring her.)
  • tried scraping my arms against grates? (This seems most likely, as I still sometimes “scrape” myself to reduce my anger, although without injury.)
  • poked and wrote into myself with pencil? (I do not believe I did this, but since I used to do this before using pen, this may have happened.)

Anyway, my teacher later lectured class about how they should have reacted more nicely. I think her intentions were laudable, but — if I imagine this situation correctly — solution that would have been more effective long-term would be to understand why I overreacted so drastically, pretending to hurt myself for failing to assimilate.

  

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- June 09, 2017 0 comments

06 May 2017

My Opinions on HRT Effects (dysphoria & dysmorphia)

   May 06, 2017       Anonymous

[first published on 28 April 2017]

As mentioned in my edit to Shell Majumdar: What are your experiences as an LGBTQIA person who never had a coming out experience?, I was confused on whether or not I am actually trans as my dysphoria stopped existing around Feb 12. However, my apathy worsened, which makes me wonder if my gender just became less intense.
One month later (March 29), my dysphoria worsened intensely.
Currently — another month later, on April 20 — I realized that my body image issues are occasionally more severe than previously thought. I can barely get up from chairs without feeling absurdly paranoid.
This also causes my parents to fight personal offence with further annoyance when I walk backwards/sideways at home.
However, I think I may be suffering more from body image issues and slight dysmorphia than gender dysphoria. I do want to be stronger, but my interest in passing as male comes and goes.
(Yes, I know difference between those words and have since I began talking about and dealing with both of them.)
For this post, I wanted to discuss certain effects of HRT to display my personal experience with gender dysphoria and what changes I personally would look forward to (as opposed to those I resent).
If anyone wants me to add my opinion on other changes they noticed, please comment.
HRT can make migraines worse and will affect kidneys.
Testosterone (or anti-estrogen)
  1. Positive: more musculature.
    Obviously being stronger is objectively better as it creates increased capability/capacity to perform arduous physical tasks.
  2. Positive?: breast atrophy.
    Preferably my chest would look muscular, but as long as they look reasonably decent, I do not have that much concern for this point. Most trans people seem to focus on their chest, but my dysphoria is centered elsewhere.
  3. Neutral: prominence of veins and coarser skin. (Veins are visually interesting, although coarse skin may require skin care adjustments. I do very little for my skin either way and this has little importance.)
  4. Negative: growth of facial and body hair.
    Personally, I think this would be slightly inconvenient and annoying, but I have little concern. Maybe I should have stronger opinions because I am South Asian (obvious hairiness).
  5. Negative: more acne/skin oiliness/scalp hair loss/body odor (not dysphoria-related, as most people dislike acne and body odor)
    - Acne is inconvenient and I tend to pick at it, so this is disadvantageous.
    - I like my slightly long hair and receding hairlines seem annoying, although I would like square hairline if only bits of hair were lost. Hairline shape is bit important but I am apathetic.
  6. Negative: higher sex drive. Sexual arousal is distracting.
Estrogen (or anti-testosterone)
  1. Negative: less muscle mass and strength.
    I am already weak enough, so this would completely bother me. I understand that working out exists, but this reduces my overall potential.
  2. Negative?: breast development and enlargement.
    This would be inconvenient as more breast support would be needed. I feel insecure enough when stretching, so this would be awkward.
    Most trans people seem to focus on their chest, but my dysphoria is centered elsewhere.
  3. softening/thinning of skin (If this makes it easier to get injured, then I do not like this. Otherwise, it does feel better.)
  4. Positive: less body hair
    This seems convenient and less obnoxious. I have heard facial hair can impede eating, depending on how you grow it out and style it.
  5. Positive: less acne/skin oiliness/scalp hair loss/body odor
    There would be less skin care, which is great for lazy people!
  6. Positive: lower sex drive. Being aroused is irritating, so this would be beneficial.
  7. “Positive”: This supposedly happens but this point is for my joke.slightly lighter skin tone due to less melanin.
    Who needs fairness creams when you can take estrogen? However, those products are generally aimed at women, in which case excess estrogen would cause much larger (accidental pun?) problems.
In general, both ways of transitioning result in mini-penises/big clitorises — testosterone causes clitoromegaly and makes them behave like penises; estrogen decreases size and makes them behave more like clitorises.
(presumably — if I am wrong, correct me on that.)
HRT does reduce fertility and can sterilize you, which might not be that alarming in most cases, but make sure that not having biological children is something with which you will be satisfied.
“Fat on the hips, thighs, and buttocks has a higher concentration of omega-3 fatty acidsand is meant to be used for lactation.” People do not lactate from hips/thighs/buttocks — how is that related? Maybe it might reduce discomfort during childbirth, but that is only thing I could connect.

  

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- May 06, 2017 0 comments

15 April 2017

Slacktivism: I deserve all possible suffering.

   April 15, 2017       Cecil Arjun

[originally published on Feb 9]
My life, at least, is meant to understand world and improve it for others.
However, as I am doing none of this, I need personal experience in order to:
  1. shame myself into doing so, essentially punishment for inaction.
  2. understand world more profoundly (suffering is very easy to earn as useless ingrate and dreg of society)
I will never earn opportunity to experience ALL suffering. That would be impossible, but I should attempt to either alleviate suffering or collect consequences.
If I am not afflicted, then I will not pay for all that I have (not) done due to my being bystander. Bystanders rarely get punished for their wicked neglect.
I am that repulsive bystander that makes supposed 'changes' that cause no significant action and solely feeds ego: slacktivist, stereotypical SJW, someone who would go some protest and immediately 'sit myself down'* because "my fake problems depress me".
While these people and their minimal effort may have some effect, they do very little; we do very little. Maybe we would arise and stand up, but these chairs are so comfortable; they are made partially of those we let be killed.

*This was originally reference to "Use Your Voice" by H2O (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lq-Z7DeVCoQ
)
but then remembered "STFD" by TeZATalks (https://soundcloud.com/tezatalks/stfd), which was released around time that I wrote this post.
Also, when searching for H2O's song, I found this Habitat for Humanity video: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EZkgsIHBd3M)

  

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- April 15, 2017 0 comments
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