Death [TW: bad writing]
Written 20 April 2016
Trigger Warning --- speaks of death and also is badly written
I cannot stand sad songs. People write them to cope (which often works) and they are not terrible in and of themselves but they hurt me by forcing me to confront myself and my lack of seriousness.
May 1 Edit: Another thing that bothers me are songs that make me sad when they are not (examples: All Time Low - For Baltimore, Sleeping with Sirens - If I'm James Dean, You're Audrey Hepburn (also Dance Party because its absurdity and perceived purposelessness made me think about nature of purpose and credit), Abandon All Ships title track of first album (its bridge), etc, Echosmith - Safest Place [I was quite easily saddened during that point], etc.). Other people experience this too as I found from my friend "Bec". If this happens to you, comment what songs or other things have this effect.
Mayday Parade's Terrible Things is sad but like Disappear (by Issues) and Amelia (by Tonight Alive) that have affected me in past and were worse because I found out who they were about, it no longer saddens me (I actually wanted to repeat it because I stopped and listened to last 20 seconds separately). What did make me sad was a comment on music video for Pierce The Veil - King For a Day:
User Name of poster: Music makes this whole thing less painful
My best friend recently killed herself, this was her favorite song and favorite band. Just before hand, she was trying to convince me to listen to PTV, because I didn't like very much of the music she listened to. Two days before she killed herself she was sitting on my stair well with tears in her eyes, I remember asking her if she was okay. She insisted she was so I just brushed it off, I knew she was a strong person. The next day she made me buy this song on my rock band set, and she loved it... Now I'm sitting here crying, clutching my knees listening to this song, wishing I would have just hugged her and told her that whatever she was going through she could talk about. But it's all over now, I've lost my best friend. I've lost my rock. I've lost the one person who meant the most to me. I love you.
I hate suicide because it seems to be an impulsive response (that usually builds up over time "until there's nothing left" [song] because they "do not want this anymore". Some of lyrics in King for a Day could actually be used to reflect suicide.) that seems to solve your problems and in a way it does. It solves YOUR problems, but you leave in your wake a bunch of other problems for people around you to deal with. It is not selfish because they are truly plagued by their inner problems, usually self-hatred or outer circumstances.
Death is universal --- more so than life --- but it scares me. People do not like to admit that death scares them, but when others die and I face its effect on those close to them, it makes me sad that someone else had to deal with this and guilty that I never have.
Funerals are difficult because I was not close to deceased and will feel awkward and inconsiderate by going or not. If I attend, I assume I will make a mistake and accidentally offend someone; if I do not, I will cause myself guilt later.
This is how I always knew I never wanted to die (even though I had self-loathing/harming tendencies in 2013-2014 that still linger today, I could not find a better word for suicidal but knew I was not). I hate death, especially when lives are cut off (which is why those songs that pained me previously were harder --- they were based off of real people.) because that person could have ended properly and achieved some closure but something disrupted their homeostatic balance significantly enough to cause them to perish.
I fear that internet browsers look for things to criticize unjustly and target. Friend of person who posted that comment may honestly seem somewhat stereotypical, but anything someone likes can help and many seem to find this sort of music releases more tension and is more effective. Most comments like this are genuine because most people are not so nonchalantly disrespectful as to mock serious problems. What matters is that people struggle and it is up to us to help them.
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